When life gives you Lemons, buy Vodka
by vampiresrock.twilight
Summary: Life in the Cullens life is quit shocking and funny, so many random, weird and a bit scary events go on. Chapters include, Twinkies, karate, and Thongs, plus much much more. So read to find out what crazy stuff the Cullens get into. Post Breaking Dawn.
1. Chapter 1

*** Watching Zombieland ***

Movie: Where are the Fuckin twinkies?

Emmett: _Hmmm im gonna try that. _*walks over to Alice* Where are the Fuckin Twinkies?

Alice: *scared look* I will bet you anything that Bella took them she used to love Twinkies and i am guessing that she took them for old time sake.

*Emmett runs outside and starts stalking Bella, Bella pulls a Twinkie out of her pocket.*

Emmett: Ah hah, ALice was right you took the Twinkies * evil glare, Emmett grabs Bella and puts her in a head lock*

Bella: Um, Emmett what are you doing?

*Emmett looks up and sees Bella standing there with the Twinkie. And notices that he actually put a tree in a head lock.*

Emmett: Oh nothing just hugging a tree.

Bella: Oh so your a tree hugger know?

Emmett: Hell NO!

Bella: LIAR!

* Bella runs inside the house*

Bella: Guys Emmett is now a tree hugger.

*Emmett runs inside.*

Emmett: No im not!

Bella: Just take it like a man, Oh wait you cant, because your not one.

*Bella runs to Edward for safety*

Edward: Emmett what were you going to do to her?

Emmett: Um, pick her up and take her outside and throw her in the stream. Oh... uh.. wait i didnt mean that!

Edward: Yeah whatever

*WHACK, Emmett gets knocked out the window.*


	2. Park bench and PMS

**( This really happened except with me and my friends.)**

Alice: Lets play park bench.

Rosalie: How do you play?

Alice: Two people go and sit on the couch and have to have a very weird and different personalities and act like they just met each other for the first time on a park bench.

Rosalie: Okay we will play.

*** Playing park bench***

Emmett: *gets up and sits next to Alice* Hi.

Alice: Hi *sniff sniff, starts sobbing*

Emmett: * scoots away* Whats wrong?

Alice: *sniff* PMS

Emmett: Pause the game, what the heck is PMS?

Alice: *laughing* I'll tell you later.

Jasper: * Turns to Bella* Whats PMS?

Bella: I will tell you in a while.


	3. Thongs VS Flipflops

Esme: Rosalie will you go get me some thongs?

Rosalie: Sure * runs upstairs gets a thong and comes down* Here you go.

Esme: I didn't want underwear I wanted thongs.

Rosalie: Yeah and that's what I brought you.

Esme: No I wanted thongs like you know that go on your feet.

Rosalie: You mean flip flops?

Esme: Yeah sure whatever.

Rosalie: *mumbles* There flip flops dip-wit no thongs.

Esme: Excuse me?

Rosalie: You heard me.

Esme: You did not just call me a dip-wit.

Rosalie: Oh yeah i did.

Esme: *screaming* You go to your room young lady and don't come out and Emmett is not allowed up there.

Rosalie: O.o * runs upstairs and screams back* Fine i wont get you your FLIP FLOPS!

Esme: *...* No your not in trouble anymore just please get me my flip flops.

Rosalie: *Talking to herself* Hehe I always get out of it.


	4. White Trash

**Okay well from now on i will be dedicating these chapters to my friends because i am going to start taking things that have happened from my life and putting them in my story i may even give you a little description on what it means in my life.**

**Dedicated to: Bryson and Jayden**

**Description: I always say yall and my friends Bryson and Jayden give me crap about it. So i wrote a chapter on it.**

Jasper: Hay Ya'll

Rosalie: Ya'll?

Jasper: It means all of you.

Rosalie: I know what it means, but i think that you sound like white trash when you say that.

Jasper: Well stick it in your juice box and suck it. Because im gonna keep saying it... YA'LL.

Rosalie: Well you can go die in a hole for all i care.

Jasper: Um, have you gone mental? I cant die.

Rosalie: Wanna bet? * she jumps on him and pulls off his arm*

* Esme walks in while Rosalie is trying to pull of Jaspers other arm. *

Esme: Guys stop.

* They keep fighting*

Esme: *Sigh* Im done * walks out to the garden*


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay yes yes i know this is a very short chapter i didnt notice how short it was on paper but once i typed it up, well then i noticed how short it was. Sorry for the shortness though. **

**Dedicated to: Alex and ( not being concieted ) myself**

**Description: Whenever me and my friend Alex get to hang out ( which is rarely seeing as we live 4 hours away ) we like to play black jack. But of course we dont really do magic tricks or strangle each other.**

Chapter: 5

* Playing Blackjack *

Edward: This is boring * dropping his cards *

Alice: I'll show you a magic trick.

Edward: Okay show us.

Alice: Show you what?

Edward: The magic trick.

Alice: What are you talking about?

Edward: You said that you would do a magic trick.

Alice: Oh this? * throws a pack of cards in the air and does a back flip and then catches the cards and drops the pack and it explodes*

Edward: * stares blankly * Stupid trick.

Alice: I'll show you a stupid trick. * Launches herself over the table and grabs histhroat and pins him to the ground *


	6. Z formation

O.O yeah i know very short. . . i thought it was a little longer than this. Well read a story called "Tehe minds of Vampires and Werewolves" by Alicecullenroxmysox

Dedicated to: Bryson and Jayden

Reason: They always like to do the "Z formation"

Esme: Oh I love Cookies * pulls out tray of cookies*

Jasper: *hears that word cookies, and runs downstairs* Give me a cookie.

Esme: No there mine.

Jasper: Well give me one or else. . .

Esme: Or else what?

Jasper: Or else I'll snap my fingers in the Z formation.

Esme: The what?

Jasper: This: Don't make me snap my fingers in a Z formation, hip rotation elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist wipe a tear and kiss this. * does the hand sign while saying it*

Esme: O.O *runs to Carlisle's study and calls Carlisle at work.* Carlisle, do you have any doctors that can handle a mentally insane vampire?

Carlisle: Um, well your speaking to him. . .and also can i ask why.

Esme: No. . . just come home.


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay im getting sick and tired of how short these chapters are, so i think that i am going to totally re do them and make them longer! Again, read The minds of Vampires and Werewolves! Its really funny!**

Dedicated to: Marcus and Garrett

Reason: Sometimes at school they would act like this. . .

Jacob: * doing Karate moves* WAAAAA

Quil: You are no match for my karate kid moves! HIYAH! * Kicks and misses Jakes face my inches*

Jacob: Oh well you are no match for my sensay skills young cricket.

Quil: *stops kicking and looks up* Why did you call me a cricket?

Jacob: Because isn't that what sensays call the learning children?

Quil: No they call them grasshopers.

Jacob: How stupid am I? I mean seriously i ask the Blondie what sensays call the learners and she tells me that they call them Crickets. Ugh she is probably recording me right now.

Rosalie: * hiding behind a bush* Haha Paybacks a bitch isnt it Jacob? * turns of camera*


	8. Richman

Okay this is just a random chapter right now i dont have one that is dedicated to my friends.

Song: Richman by, 3oh!3 ( they are amazing)

Emmett: * singing Richman* I mean what can i say? Three babies in the backseat singing to me. Hey d.j. wont you play that song for me? And my hom... and my homies all singing to it 3oh. . . 3oh!3.

Jasper: * walks downstairs* What the freak? Why are there three babies in your car?

Emmett: *ignores Jasper and keeps singing** I aint callin for a close up, no clubs no car, bitches with the nose jobs.

Jasper: O.O What who got a nose job? *thinking* Oh it better not be Alice.

Emmett: *keeps singing* No dubs no stars, imma do it how i always have, whiskey in a 40 bag, pissin in the alley out back where the partys at.

Jasper: What part? Why wasn't i invited * voices raising* And sense when do you like Whiskey? . . . and also. . . well why were you in an alley way. . . nevermind. . .

Emmet: * still singing* Ima spend it on a new whip, new hat, new kicks, bitches with the huge tits, new gat, new slips, Imma do it how i always do, sleep until the break of noon, wakin just to make it through another night of shakin you.

Jasper: Spend what. . . where are you getting the money from. . .? Also. . .um. . . sorry to ruin it for you but you cant sleep. And i dont wanna now what you shake.

Emmett: * singing some more* I mean what can i say? Three babies in the backseat singing to me hey d.j. wont you play that song for me and turn it up on your radio, i got 200 seconds and im ready to go.

Jasper: *getting scared* 200 seconds till you ready for what? Dude Emmett im not going any where with you. . . ESPECIALLY not the backseat. * Emmett looks at Jasper* * Jasper faints*

Emmett: * takes headphones out of his ears* What the heck. . . was my singing really that bad?


	9. well

Okay, im in like extreme writers block. I know that alot of people say that so that they arent pressured to keep writing but its true. Lately i have started to fancy Harry Potter, i started the books and i finished all seven of them in 1 1/2 weeks. So now i am in the middle of my extreme obsessivenes of it and im not going to try and contain it. Why contain what brilliance comes to you? So i am going to put a hold on this story for a while. Im sorry, once i have new ideas, and i fall back in love with Twilight then i will continue the story. Again i truly am sorry. I did have fun writing this but its just not something i want to work on right now. Of course i wont totally give up on it. I will try to slowly write chapters, and see what comes from it, but they may not be as in depth as the rest. My writing has improved sense i have written these, so they may turn out better. And hopefully you will keep reading! Thank you everyone, im sorry, for quitting on this for now, but in an odd way i need to.\

- Kimber


End file.
